Sunday, January 22, 2006
On the nature of friendship
J and I have been discussing friendship lately. How much does one do for a friend? How long do you hold of to a friendship where you're the only one doing the "work"? When does a friend stop being a friend?
What would you do for a friend? What's your max? Help them move? Co-sign a loan? Buy them really expensive presents?
How do you deal with friendships that change? I've been friends with L. since we were 5. In high school, we were inseparable. But now I'm quite liberal (not that I haven't been my whole life), live a couple of hours away and she's a big Ann Coulter fan. I see her a couple of times a year and hope that she won't offer to let me borrow any AC books (I'm more than a little concerned that they'll melt in my hands). I still have a strong bond with her, but I know that there are things we'll never talk about, that we'll never be as close as we used to be.
Then there's D. I met her in college and we bonded instantly. We had plans for the rest of our life and retirement. Then she moved away, met a boy and because he didn't like me, I was dumped. I wasn't the only friend who didn't pass muster. Her boy is a big homophobe, so our gay couple friends got the ax as well. She knew that it wasn't rational or good to have to give up friends "just for him", but it didn't seem to slow her down any. "He's there when I go to bed and he's there when I wake up in the morning." Yeah, that's because you two live together and might I remind you, YOU'RE the one who moved to the other side of the continent. Sigh. That one was painful. So much so that I didn't talk about it for a few years. I'm not sure that it's better now, but it's further away.
Then there's D2. I love her. I really do. She's much more sophisticated, worldly and lots of fun. We don't see each other much and now, much of our conversation is dominated by discussion of her little one. I've always thought she would be fun to just "hang out" with, but we rarely ever have. We have great conversations, she "gets" things about me that no one ever has, but I've always spent a lot of time with close friends...just not with her. The Boy often doesn't understand why I "stay" friends with her. I admit, I do a lot of the "chasing" in the relationship.
Then there's B. She too "gets" things about me and we "click" on so many levels. When we worked together (directly across from each other) we were inseparable. She has a much more active, on the go job and I've literally had 2 phone calls from her in a year. I'm not bitter, but I do miss my friend.
So, how much is "too much"??
What would you do for a friend? What's your max? Help them move? Co-sign a loan? Buy them really expensive presents?
How do you deal with friendships that change? I've been friends with L. since we were 5. In high school, we were inseparable. But now I'm quite liberal (not that I haven't been my whole life), live a couple of hours away and she's a big Ann Coulter fan. I see her a couple of times a year and hope that she won't offer to let me borrow any AC books (I'm more than a little concerned that they'll melt in my hands). I still have a strong bond with her, but I know that there are things we'll never talk about, that we'll never be as close as we used to be.
Then there's D. I met her in college and we bonded instantly. We had plans for the rest of our life and retirement. Then she moved away, met a boy and because he didn't like me, I was dumped. I wasn't the only friend who didn't pass muster. Her boy is a big homophobe, so our gay couple friends got the ax as well. She knew that it wasn't rational or good to have to give up friends "just for him", but it didn't seem to slow her down any. "He's there when I go to bed and he's there when I wake up in the morning." Yeah, that's because you two live together and might I remind you, YOU'RE the one who moved to the other side of the continent. Sigh. That one was painful. So much so that I didn't talk about it for a few years. I'm not sure that it's better now, but it's further away.
Then there's D2. I love her. I really do. She's much more sophisticated, worldly and lots of fun. We don't see each other much and now, much of our conversation is dominated by discussion of her little one. I've always thought she would be fun to just "hang out" with, but we rarely ever have. We have great conversations, she "gets" things about me that no one ever has, but I've always spent a lot of time with close friends...just not with her. The Boy often doesn't understand why I "stay" friends with her. I admit, I do a lot of the "chasing" in the relationship.
Then there's B. She too "gets" things about me and we "click" on so many levels. When we worked together (directly across from each other) we were inseparable. She has a much more active, on the go job and I've literally had 2 phone calls from her in a year. I'm not bitter, but I do miss my friend.
So, how much is "too much"??
