Thursday, August 10, 2006
On the nature of friendship
Birthday dinner last weekend has me thinking about friendship. Small crowd this year. One usual was out of town and I'm actually quite happy she was. Her kiddo is fine, but not at an adult birthday party....especially not at mine. Another couple dropped out kinda last minute. They got slammed with having to put in a new HVAC unit in...that's not fun. But for those of us who remained, it was a lovely dinner. Was glad to be able to include someone we'd "exiled" because her guy has no social functionality. Fortunately, he's not "hers" anymore.
One former "regular" wasn't on the list. She and I have drifted apart and I've tried contacting her. A couple of emails, a phone call recently....and nothing. Not sure why. Not going to be a stalker, so I guess no more.
Friends aren't identical. You get from one person things you don't get from another. You have culture friends, foodie friends, music friends, sports friends. Old friends who maybe you wouldn't even be friends with if you met today. Seeing one of those in the next few weeks. She's pretty dang conservative and probably wouldn't have much patience with me if we met today. I doubt I'd put up with much of her, either.
So what do you do when you have an opening for a friend? "Wanted: Sports fan to discuss upcoming NFL season. Mentor-type a plus. Must know more stats/rules than I do, but tolerate that I'm more enthusiastic than knowledgeable. Baseball/basketball types need not apply." Or "Wanted: Hip, urbane chick. Must be good listener and not judgemental. Pluses include wine, good food and travel." Or "Wanted: Near soul-mate. Must be willing to consider lifetime platonic committment."
And what about "firing" a friend? The friend mentioned above...feel a little bad that I'm not making "more of an effort". But I can't keep a friendship going without the friend. And another soul I've taken to calling "Random Friend". I'll write and maybe I'll get 2 sentences back. Odd for one of the fastest typists I know...2 sentences would take 10 seconds. Then RF will show up on IM and lurk. Not say anything, just lurk. And I've tired of chasing. So RF is all but written off too. Which I also don't like. I don't like writing anyone off because if you were important enough for me to describe you as "friend", you're fairly important to me. But just like a garden needs weeds pulled, so does your life. Friends who take resources without giving are just like weeds. They may have been pretty at one time, but may need strong consideration now.
One former "regular" wasn't on the list. She and I have drifted apart and I've tried contacting her. A couple of emails, a phone call recently....and nothing. Not sure why. Not going to be a stalker, so I guess no more.
Friends aren't identical. You get from one person things you don't get from another. You have culture friends, foodie friends, music friends, sports friends. Old friends who maybe you wouldn't even be friends with if you met today. Seeing one of those in the next few weeks. She's pretty dang conservative and probably wouldn't have much patience with me if we met today. I doubt I'd put up with much of her, either.
So what do you do when you have an opening for a friend? "Wanted: Sports fan to discuss upcoming NFL season. Mentor-type a plus. Must know more stats/rules than I do, but tolerate that I'm more enthusiastic than knowledgeable. Baseball/basketball types need not apply." Or "Wanted: Hip, urbane chick. Must be good listener and not judgemental. Pluses include wine, good food and travel." Or "Wanted: Near soul-mate. Must be willing to consider lifetime platonic committment."
And what about "firing" a friend? The friend mentioned above...feel a little bad that I'm not making "more of an effort". But I can't keep a friendship going without the friend. And another soul I've taken to calling "Random Friend". I'll write and maybe I'll get 2 sentences back. Odd for one of the fastest typists I know...2 sentences would take 10 seconds. Then RF will show up on IM and lurk. Not say anything, just lurk. And I've tired of chasing. So RF is all but written off too. Which I also don't like. I don't like writing anyone off because if you were important enough for me to describe you as "friend", you're fairly important to me. But just like a garden needs weeds pulled, so does your life. Friends who take resources without giving are just like weeds. They may have been pretty at one time, but may need strong consideration now.
