Sunday, November 04, 2007
If I can do it, anyone can
A common phrase, used with a little self-depreciation, to convey how easy something is. I've used it to convince a friend of mine that she really can cook and it's not that scary. This weekend, however, I heard the phrase in conjunction with kids. An acquaintance insisted that if she could have a kid, anyone--including me--could. I appreciate the confidence in my abilities, but I don't think I'm incapable of carrying, having and raising a child. Not to be overly vain about my abilities, but I've been pretty successful with most things I've put my mind to in my life.
The larger question is "Do I WANT to have kids?" and the answer is a resounding "no". As more of my parent's friends become grandparents, they want to join the club. I can get that they want to do what all the other cool kids are doing. But I have no more of a desire to have kids now than I did when I was 6, 16 or 26. Much to my chagrin, The Boy chimed in with his "I'm ready" when people would ask him how HE felt about kids. As I've thought more times than I've had hot dinners, I know my life would change with kids. I know that I underestimate how much. But I have a FAR better handle on that reality than he does. Maybe he's thinking his life wouldn't change that much, that he'd just do what he does now, but there'd be a kid to hang out with when he felt like it. Yet another reason I understand the reality better than he does. If that's what ended up happening, he'd have to find another place to live.
Of course, I got the usual tired arguments....
Dad: Who will take care of you when you're older?
My thoughts: Uh, been to any nursing homes, Dad? Full of people not being taken care of by their kids. And how much caretaking did YOU do during your Mom's final year? I seem to recall "not any at all".
What I actually said: "Hmmmm" (a useful phrase, I've found)
Family friend: Don't you want to give your parents a grandchild?
My thoughts: If I could find a spare one somewhere so they'd get off my back, don't you think I would?
What I actually said: "Hmmmm"
Same family friend: But The Boy wants kids, why don't you just have a couple?
My thoughts: The Boy can have as many kids as he wants; he just can't be married to me to do it.
What I actually said: "The Boy can have as many kids as he wants; he just can't be married to me to do it."
Hmmm, while a useful phrase, only gets you so far with people who think they can just "talk you out of" your position. Dad thinks I should "give it some serious thought". Right. I couldn't have POSSIBLY have given this life decision enough thought. Thanks for the advice Dad.
The larger question is "Do I WANT to have kids?" and the answer is a resounding "no". As more of my parent's friends become grandparents, they want to join the club. I can get that they want to do what all the other cool kids are doing. But I have no more of a desire to have kids now than I did when I was 6, 16 or 26. Much to my chagrin, The Boy chimed in with his "I'm ready" when people would ask him how HE felt about kids. As I've thought more times than I've had hot dinners, I know my life would change with kids. I know that I underestimate how much. But I have a FAR better handle on that reality than he does. Maybe he's thinking his life wouldn't change that much, that he'd just do what he does now, but there'd be a kid to hang out with when he felt like it. Yet another reason I understand the reality better than he does. If that's what ended up happening, he'd have to find another place to live.
Of course, I got the usual tired arguments....
Dad: Who will take care of you when you're older?
My thoughts: Uh, been to any nursing homes, Dad? Full of people not being taken care of by their kids. And how much caretaking did YOU do during your Mom's final year? I seem to recall "not any at all".
What I actually said: "Hmmmm" (a useful phrase, I've found)
Family friend: Don't you want to give your parents a grandchild?
My thoughts: If I could find a spare one somewhere so they'd get off my back, don't you think I would?
What I actually said: "Hmmmm"
Same family friend: But The Boy wants kids, why don't you just have a couple?
My thoughts: The Boy can have as many kids as he wants; he just can't be married to me to do it.
What I actually said: "The Boy can have as many kids as he wants; he just can't be married to me to do it."
Hmmm, while a useful phrase, only gets you so far with people who think they can just "talk you out of" your position. Dad thinks I should "give it some serious thought". Right. I couldn't have POSSIBLY have given this life decision enough thought. Thanks for the advice Dad.
