Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Picking at scars
Something I'd like to say I've stopped doing. Truth is, I haven't. Physical scars, as my mosquito bites, clogged pores and occasional zits will attest to. Emotional scars aren't left alone either.
I was "playing around" on Facebook yesterday after ensuring that my 5 friends aren't doing anything exciting. Did a search on a name I rarely even utter. Score. Noticed some odd things about that person. Living not far away now. Odd. Person's SO never liked the South or the US in general. Would have expected to see them in the UK. Nope, right up I-40, no more than an hour and a half away. Teaching, which I would expect. Lots of contact info, email at college, could make a friend request on Facebook. But what would I find out if I did?
We parted ways over the above mentioned SO. There's no polite way I can think of to say "Are you still shackled to the homophobic jackass? Or have you found a way to be your authentic self again?" If the answer to the first question is "yes", to the second "no", then I'd regret making contact. No need to pick at that scar. If the answer to the second question is "yes", first question "no", then it would be worth it. But the thought of the first still holding true is a bit more than I can bear.
Funny how a decade is practically nothing. Seeing the picture, that I had the right person, made the parting day seem recent, fresh. More like picking a fresh wound than a healed scar. At the time, I don't think anyone close to me got how incredibly painful that was. I'd never hurt that way before and never have since. A good deal of that is keeping the guard up, not letting anyone "in that close" and pushing out those who could cause that much damage. Unfortunately I've also missed a great richness of life, of having someone who truly "got me" during that time. And I miss that. Not enough (yet) to venture contact, but damn, am I ever curious.......
I was "playing around" on Facebook yesterday after ensuring that my 5 friends aren't doing anything exciting. Did a search on a name I rarely even utter. Score. Noticed some odd things about that person. Living not far away now. Odd. Person's SO never liked the South or the US in general. Would have expected to see them in the UK. Nope, right up I-40, no more than an hour and a half away. Teaching, which I would expect. Lots of contact info, email at college, could make a friend request on Facebook. But what would I find out if I did?
We parted ways over the above mentioned SO. There's no polite way I can think of to say "Are you still shackled to the homophobic jackass? Or have you found a way to be your authentic self again?" If the answer to the first question is "yes", to the second "no", then I'd regret making contact. No need to pick at that scar. If the answer to the second question is "yes", first question "no", then it would be worth it. But the thought of the first still holding true is a bit more than I can bear.
Funny how a decade is practically nothing. Seeing the picture, that I had the right person, made the parting day seem recent, fresh. More like picking a fresh wound than a healed scar. At the time, I don't think anyone close to me got how incredibly painful that was. I'd never hurt that way before and never have since. A good deal of that is keeping the guard up, not letting anyone "in that close" and pushing out those who could cause that much damage. Unfortunately I've also missed a great richness of life, of having someone who truly "got me" during that time. And I miss that. Not enough (yet) to venture contact, but damn, am I ever curious.......
